when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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