Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
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Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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