If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
