found the other keg... it's in the tree
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
