i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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