I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
