Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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