I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
