I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
