I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
