Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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