I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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