God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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