Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
