the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
