there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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