I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
