Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How's work?
Spinning.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
