At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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