Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
