Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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