is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
