You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
