I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
