just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
