Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
