You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
