I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
