He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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