I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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