Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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