Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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