Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
