One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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