FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
