You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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