Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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