I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
