I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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