in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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