also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
