sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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