She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
