Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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