Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
