so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
there was a trapeze. enough said
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
