if i died would you start the facebook group?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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