So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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