Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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