I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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