he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
