if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
