yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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