We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
