IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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