my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
