i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
