ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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