The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She needs sedatives and a leash
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
