so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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