just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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