so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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