i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
